I wrote this poem — “poem” — across the time Intel launched Cascade Lake again in 2019. I held off publishing again then as a result of I didn’t need to go away folks pondering we’d reviewed a CPU in really dangerous poetry as an alternative of my typical second-rate prose. I additionally didn’t need it to return off as mean-spirited. I set it apart and forgot I wrote it, solely to rediscover it once more this week.
“Cascade on the Bat” is a parody of “Casey on the Bat: A Ballad of the Republic, Sung within the 12 months 1888.” The first distinction between “Cascade” and “Casey” is that the latter is a beloved and well-known piece of comedic poetry, whereas the previous is… unlikely to realize this worthy station. A number of the suggestions I obtained after I shared my magnum dopus with mates is reprinted verbatim under:
Reward Phrases From Readers Describing “Cascade on the Bat”
“A gem worthy of McGonagall.” (That is the antipode of a praise).
“It’s undoubtedly a factor you hung out making. We have now however a finite time on this planet, and that is the way you selected to spend a few of yours. I respect that, even when I don’t perceive it.”
“Proof that anybody can write poetry. Anybody. Oh God, anybody.”
“You’re considered one of my very favorite folks for thus many causes. This each is and isn’t considered one of them. 10/10 for the best way your thoughts works; 1/10 poetry.”
With out additional ado, I current:
Cascade On the Bat
The outlook wasn’t good for the Intel chip that day
The rating stood 32-18, with no threads left to play
With core counts inadequate and clock velocity all however gone,
Nobody knew what to anticipate when Cascade stepped on the garden.
It wasn’t very way back that Intel dominated the sport
Conroe, Penryn, and Westmere all triggered Sunnyvale nice ache
Then got here Sandy, Ivy, Haswell — nice hitters, every one
Collectively they owned the sector
And fed AMD the ball.
However lo’, a brand new inning of the sport started in 2017
As soon as AMD ultimately debuted a succesful machine
After years of piles pushed by a CPU catastrophe
Ryzen routed Kaby Lake, and proved itself a lot quicker
Now, was Intel frightened? No! For this had occurred as soon as earlier than
When Prescott launched — and shat the mattress — again in 2004
Intel poured a cup of Espresso and admitted no mistake
As a substitute, it booked itself a keep on scenic Stagnant Lake.
Then Zen 2 debuted on 7, and it gave Workforce Pink the lead
Whereas Intel sat, caught on 14, regardless of its rising want
An infinite stream of plusses changed Tick-Tock as a information
And Intel turned to cost cuts as its course of scaling died.
Cascade’s workstation bloodline is writ plainly on the chip
Xeon owns this market, regardless of 10-nanometer’s slip.
Priced to maneuver and thrice-refined, the core takes a batting stance
Its rival is irrelevant, Threadripper scarcely earns a look.
And right here’s the beginning benchmark: It’s a render take a look at well-known
However when the scores seem on-screen, the group lets out a moan.
Now that the run is over, Sunnyvale has clearly received,
“Cinebench!?” spat Cascade Lake, and the reviewer stated: “Strike one!”
A second app is readied: a Qt compiler take a look at
This kind of utility is the place Chipzilla scores the perfect
Intel’s core stood watching, as the ultimate tallies flew
“That’s not actual world!” cried Cascade, whereas the reviewer known as: “Strike two!”
All pretense gone, comfortable no extra, Cascade rethinks its tack
SIMD math might but disrupt its rival’s product stack.
There’s yet one more take a look at but left to attain earlier than the top of day
MATLAB is the proper option to preserve its foe at bay.
The droops are gone from Cascade’s clock, its SIMD offsets all learn “None.”
With thermal limits put aside, its warmth may soften the solar.
The reviewer queues the MATLAB run, mouse pointer on “Start”
Cascade leaps for the end line — this activity, it’s certain to win!
Oh, someplace on this favored land, the solar is beaming down
Someplace fanboys argue, and someplace avid gamers frown
From Movidius to Mobileye, Intel nonetheless has clout
However so far as Threadripper’s involved — mighty Cascade has struck out.